And Tanana, who obviously can't see
the end-zone marker under the virgin snow,
breaks into his touchdown dance on the 10-yard line,
only to be given a geography lesson
by linebacker Marvin Watkins.
That's an incr edibly embarrassing moment
f or any prof essional athlete, so when we come back,
we'r e gonna show it to you a couple of mor e times
if only so that I can keep saying "virgin snow."
Stick around for more "Sports Night," coming up after this.
We'r e out.
Two minutes back.
You know what?
We'r e gonna be 15 seconds short on the Bucks/Pacers.
Jer emy, can you get Dan something inter esting about Milwaukee?
I can tell you that it is not the capital of Wisconsin.
And while that may be true, I need it to be about the team,
and, oh, yeah, I need it to be inter esting.
- I was just saying f or starters. - I got it.
Has anybody else noticed
that Casey's been flinching a lot tonight?
He's been doing it f or a couple of nights.
- Flinching? - Like a tic. - It's a flinch.
Casey, why ar e you flinching?
I'm not flinching.
Not now, but bef or e.
- Mor e like a tic. - It's a flinch.
A flinch or a tic. What's going on?
- Ther e's a fly in the studio. - A fly?
Yes, a big one. It's been in her e about thr ee days now.
Dave, ther e's a fly in the studio?
- I'm not seeing it. - Casey says there's a fly.
Is ther e a fly in our studio?
- I'm not hearing anything. - Ther e ain't no fly.
Casey, ther e's no fly.
Dana, ther e is a fly in the studio the size of a bald eagle,
and every time he buzzes my head on a flyby,
it's like a sound check at a Black Sabbath concert.
You're not picking this up?
Dan, is ther e a fly in the studio?
Let him work through it.
Isaac, I see you're smiling and holding a ratings book
both at the same time. What do we know?
We'r e not number one, we'r e not number two,
but we picked up a point and a half with men 18 to 49,
and we took it evenly f rom Fox and Bristol.
Plus I'm always smiling this time of night. You know why?
- Double Chivas on the rocks? - That's right.
You hear that? We'r e still number thr ee.
Her e we go.
The attendance at tonight's game, 11,323,
is exactly the same as the population
of Hoisington, Kansas.
Okay, Dan, her e's the thing.
You're gonna be 15 seconds short on the Bucks/Pacers game.
I have two options f or you.
Option one is that the attendance at the game, 11,323,
turns out to be exactly the same as the population of...
Hoisington, Kansas.
And option two?
Talk slower.
Boy, it's almost hard to believe we'r e in third place.
Oh, yeah, I'm in pain. I'd say this is pain.
Elliott, can you get me
a r ecruiting file on Conf er ence USA?
Very sur e I'd call this pain.
- Just f ootball or... - Football/basketball.
I'd say this is a pain
that was gonna last well into the new year.
- What happened? - Not important.
They told me that if I took car e of my body,
my body would take car e of me.
I need the last thr ee years.
I took car e of my body,
and my body just deserted me at that moment.
No, your brain deserted you, Casey.
Your body was fine.
I have a broken ankle. You'r e not concerned
- I have a broken ankle? - Wher e does it hurt?
In my ankle, Danny. It hurts in my ankle.
- You shouldn't move it. - I can't move it.
Well, then, you'r e all set.
Hey, if that's Dana, I'm not her e.
- Why would it be Dana? - I'm saying it could be Dana.
It could be a lot of people. Hello?
- It's Dana. - Hey, I'm not her e.
Yeah, he's right her e. What do you need?
No, he's not flinching or anything. He seems fine.
- I'm not fine. I have a broken ankle. - We got that off the wire.
Hey, tell her I have a broken ankle.
Casey says he has a broken ankle.
Yeah. Now tell her it hurts.
He says it hurts.
Yeah. Now make this part sound dignified and heroic -
'Cause he kicked a fir e hydrant on his way back f rom lunch.
Would you stop talking about it now?
'Cause he just f ound out you wer e going to Vermont this weekend with Gordon.
That is not why! That is not why!
Yeah, he's walking around pr etty good now.
See you at the afternoon rundown.
- Well, thanks f or the teamwork. - No problem.
Well, did she say anything?
She said you shouldn't kick fir e hydrants.
- I didn't see the fir e hydrant. - What were you trying to kick?
- I was trying to kick you. - Why?
You've known f or a while now that she's been seeing this guy Gordon.
Yes.
- You didn't tell me. - Right.
Why?
I thought you might be upset. I can see now I was wrong.
Look, I'm not upset, all right?
I've known Dana f or 15 years.
She just does this kind of thing f rom time to time.
- You mean have a personal lif e? - Yeah.
- She does it to make me jealous. - I don't think it's gonna work. Do you?
My behavior is not motivated by jealousy, Danny.
This is not jealousy.
What is your behavior motivated by?
It's an emotion I'm having a difficult time putting my finger on at the moment,
but, uh, it'll come to me.
Dan, I just got a call f rom a woman named Malory Moss in business aff airs.
She needs to talk to you about some accounting.
All right, tell her it'll have to wait, okay?
Casey and I ar e doing some work right now.
Ankle pain, ankle pain, ankle pain.
- I'll be right ther e! - Oh, God!
You know something? I can't think of the last time I had a good idea.
This segment's a good idea.
It's not a r eally good idea.
It's a fine idea. It's a r egular idea.
You have good ideas a lot.
I find myself saying, "Natalie's got a good idea."
But you also find yourself saying,
"Natalie, if you scr ew that up again, I'll set you on fir e."
That's true, too, and yet it's the good-idea thing I'm f ocusing on right now.
Do you like this shot her e?
All I'm looking at is the Pepsi sign.
Moving on.
What was the last good idea you had?
When I got up this morning, I decided not to stick my hand in the blender.
That's what I mean.
How 'bout this?
That's good.
I think the way you'r e handling the Casey situation is very good.
The Casey situation?
I'm calling it "the Casey situation."
- It's not a situation. - It's a bit of a situation.
- It's not at all a situation. - I've already named it.
You know, f rom, like, the second Casey and Lisa split up,
everyone in this office is convinced that I have a strategy
- f or getting Casey to f all in love with me. - You'r e wrong.
We knew you didn't have a strategy,
and we'r e glad you've finally come up with something.
I have not come up with something.
Well, at least you'r e asking f or help.
Natalie, I am not employing a strategy.
You'r e going to Vermont f or the weekend with Gordon.
Yes, I am.
- And you bought new lingerie. - Yes, I did.
And you went out of your way
to make sur e Casey knew you bought new lingerie.
- I did not! - Right. That was me.
- Natalie! - Well, let's get this show on the road already, huh?
Ther e is no show, and ther e's no road.
You'r e going to Vermont with Gordon and new lingerie.
Yes, I am, because I choose to,
and ther e's nothing sinister about it.
I like Gordon, and I like Vermont,
so I am going with Gordon to Vermont,
and I'm taking new lingerie for me.
This is f or me.
Well, I gotta say, you got Casey right wher e you want him.
- Hi. Ex cuse me. - Oh, hi.
I'm Dan Rydell. They said you wanted to see me.
Yes, yes, I do. Hi, I'm Malory Moss.
I just started this week, so please pardon the mess.
That's fine.
Look, ther e's a r evolving door her e on business aff airs,
and I go through this with all the new people.
My out-of-town expense sheets tend to be a little unusual.
Yes, I noticed, but that's not the problem.
- What's the problem? - During your broadcast on September 5,
you sang "Happy Birthday" to your partner, Casey McCall.
Yeah, but I can explain that. I -
Wait. It was his birthday. Why do I have to explain that?
You sang "Happy Birthday" on the air.
- Dana clear ed it. - Who's Dana?
Dana Whitaker's the producer of the show.
Ooh, yes. Well, my pr edecessor didn't clear it.
- Who's your pr edecessor? - Marty Sheinbaum.
- Who's Marty Sheinbaum? - My predecessor.
Look, I don't have a whole lot of time -
Listen, I think it's sweet
that you and your partner sing to each other on television.
Others may think it's vaguely gay, but I disagr ee.
Thank you.
- Nonetheless, you can't do it anymor e. - Why not?
- It's against the law. - It's against the law to be vaguely gay?
It's against the law to sing "Happy Birthday" on television.
- That doesn't sound quite right to me. - It is.
- You went to law school and everything, right? - Yeah.
- You took the bar? - Thr ee times.
- It's against the law to sing "Happy Birthday" on television? - Federal copyright law.
- "Happy Birthday" is protected material? - Yes.
Who holds the copyright to "Happy Birthday"?
The r epr esentatives of Mildr ed and Patty Hill.
- Mildr ed and Patty Hill? - The authors.
- The authors? They wrote the song? - They wrote it.
Did you think that song just happened?
Well, yeah.
Oh. It didn't.
Live and learn.
Yes, indeed.
Would they be happy with an autographed hat?
Yes, they would.
Gr eat.
- Along with $2,500. - I'm sorry?
They've billed the network $2,500.
$2,500 to sing "Happy Birthday"?
- Yes. - Ouch.
Intellectual property, droit moral,
f air use, royalty structur e -
these things may not mean anything to you,
but I assur e you they mean a gr eat deal to me,
and they meant a gr eat deal to my pr edecessor.
- Marty Sheinbaum. - Marty Sheinbaum.
You know what?
From now on, I am only singing songs in the public domain.
- That'll teach 'em. - I'm not kidding.
Go knock 'em dead.
Jer emy...
- Right her e. - Would you follow me, please?
What's up?
I hold her e in my hand a tape of last night's show.
I will put it in the VCR,
We shall f ast-f orward to the portions wher e I flinch,
and you will see in the tape that ther e is a fly.
I don't think this is r eally necessary.
You will bear witness. You will bear witness,
and you will tell everyone that I'm not crazy.
- I don't think anyone thinks you'r e crazy. - I think they do.
- I'm sur e you'r e wrong. - Well, it f eels like everyone thinks I'm crazy.
I have a lot of experience with that f eeling.
- Yeah, I'm sur e you do. - Yes.
Okay, right her e - right when we come back to this scene -
you'r e gonna see clear as can be that ther e is a fly right her e.
Wher e the hell's the fly?
Well, why don't I just tell everybody that I saw the fly?
- Look, this isn't in my head. - Of course it's not.
- No, seriously. - I know.
Ther e's a fly in ther e.
Maybe he only makes himself visible to you.
Maybe he only makes himself visible to me?
Like the rabbit in "Harvey."
- No, no, this isn't like the rabbit in "Harvey." - Of course it's not.
- No, seriously. - No, I know.
- Jer emy - - I'm just saying whether it's ther e or not...
you'r e making me believe it's ther e.
- It's ther e. - I believe it.
Good.
- Can I say something? - Yeah.
- Can I speak candidly f or a moment? - That's fine.
'Cause I'm the new guy her e, and I don't want to overstep my bounds.
- You'r e not. - I'm not overstepping my bounds?
Your bounds ar e fine. Don't worry about your bounds.
It just seems to me, what with kicking fir e hydrants
and your on-air hallucinations,
that you've gotten your head turned around pr etty good.
I'm not having hallucinations.
The fir e hydrant got in my way, and ther e's nothing wrong with my head.
- Good. - I'm not obsessing about Dana.
- Dana? - Yeah.
Dana's my f riend, Jer emy. She's been my f riend f or 15 years.
- Oh, that? - Yeah.
Oh, as f ar as Vermont is concerned,
it is my understanding that the weekend
is almost entir ely about sex.
Well, that makes me f eel, God, so much better.
Sur e.
l-I'm not inter ested in Dana.
l-I don't car e about her weekend plans.
- Right. - No, seriously.
Call me if you find the fly.
You know, Landingham's getting dumped.
It's either gonna be Biselli or -
Oh, the guy f rom lowa state.
- Kitner. - Yeah. - It's not gonna be Kitner.
It's gonna be Biselli, but either way, it's time to get this on the air.
- You have sources? - We have a healthy hunch.
- You have sources? - Not for attribution.
Get someone to go on the record.
That's when we'll get it on the air.
No one understands the value of a healthy hunch.
Our lawyers understand the value of a healthy hunch.
It's $400 an hour plus court costs.
Get someone to go on the record.
Now, what do we know about the phantom fly?
It's not a phantom.
Fine.
- It's not a phantom fly. It's a r eal fly. - We believe you.
I'm like Tippi Hedr en in ther e.
Nonetheless, the flinching -
- Like a tic. - It's a flinch.
Listen to me.
Ther e is a fly in the studio, and this is not a normal-sized fly.
It's a jumbo fly.
It has made a habit now of flying into my monitors at a great velocity.
You would think that at this velocity it would blow apart on impact,
but appar ently this fly has some sort of protective coating
that allows it to come right back at me.
- Protective coating? - Yes.
Does the fly have any other special powers?
No.
Well, Jer emy thinks it might have some sort of stealth capability.
Dana?
We'll brush the studio.
That's all. Final rundown's at 10:00.
- Hey, Isaac, you got a second? - What's going on?
I got the intellectual-property cops crawling up my butt.
- The intellectual-property cops... - Yeah.
...ar e crawling up your butt?
The heat's all over me.
What the hell ar e you talking about, Dan?
I sang "Happy Birthday" to Casey on the air.
When?
Well... on his birthday, Isaac.
Oh, sur e.
The network's being charged $2,500 by the copyright holder.
Someone holds the copyright to "Happy Birthday"?
The r epr esentatives of Patty and Mildr ed Hill.
- Took two people to write that song? - Go figur e.
The important thing is I'm putting together
a list of songs in the public domain,
and I'm asking each person to pick a song
they'd like to have sung to them on their birthday.
Why ar e you talking to me?
For you, I've boiled it down to two choices -
"Jammo, Jammo" by Giuseppe Verdi
or "Yo-Ho-Ho, And a Bottle of Rum!"
Ar e you on any medication right now?
I'm gonna go with the Verdi.
If you f reeze-f rame this shot here - right -
and lose the Pepsi sign,
you spot-shadow the right inside linebacker,
then cut back to movement on the whole field. That works.
Jer emy, Dana's got me thinking.
When was the last time you had a good idea?
- It was right then. - That's not what I mean.
- It was a good idea. - I was talking on a grander scale.
- I see. - I mean, a good idea on the grand scale of human experience.
- Yes. - When was the last time you had one?
- A good idea on the grand scale of human experience? - Yes.
You understand I'm saying we spot-shadow the inside linebacker?
- Yes. - That doesn't count?
I f eel like a f r eeloader sometimes,
leaving the good ideas up to other people.
I f eel like I'm standing on the shoulders
of generations past.
- Do you know what I mean? - Yes.
- Really? - My grandf ather invented the clipboard.
- Did he? - Well, he didn't invent it,
but he always used to complain that he didn't have a portable writing surf ace.
- I don't think you'r e getting it. - Yeah, I don't think so.
I am certain beyond any doubt
that if Dana and Casey got together as a couple,
they would both be very happy. I think that's a good idea.
- It's a virtuous idea. - You don't think it's a good idea?
- Well, I'm not r eally one to - - Tell me what you think!
- It's a bad idea. - Look who's talking.
You want to spot-shadow the outside linebacker.
- Inside linebacker! - They ar e meant f or each other!
- The inside and outside linebacker? - I meant Dana and Casey.
I think the inside and outside linebacker have a better chance.
12-for- 19 f rom the field, 11 rebounds, 13 assists -
add it all up, and it's what the old f olks call a triple-double.
It's what the Germans call a dreif ach verdoppeln.
In Japanese, it's toripuru daburu,
and it's rawa engwa eu
for those of you who speak the ancient language of Acadian.
You'r e watching "Sports Night" on CSC, so stick around.
- We'r e out. - 60 seconds back.
The ancient language of Acadian?
That was me.
Hey, Dana, I was seeing you got a birthday coming up,
and I was wondering how you'd f eel about "Oh! Dem Golden Slippers!"
Just go with it.
Yeah, that's fine.
By the way, you know what you got me f or my birthday?
A box of Mallomars.
- You like Mallomars. - I love Mallomars, but these wer en't $2,500 Mallomars.
- They wer e good Mallomars. - They wer e fine Mallomars.
All I'm saying is you could have had the f our r emaining Spice Girls
serve them to me in hot pants - I still say I got gypped.
10 seconds.
- How's your ankle? - Broken.
You know what?
"Fr ér e Jacques" f or you on your birthday next year.
One chorus.
In 3... 2...
That's all f or this edition of "Sports Night."
Tune in on Monday night, and we'll have the NFL, the NBA,
and all the college ball you can handle.
I'm Dan Rydell.
For Casey McCall and everyone her e at CSC, thanks f or joining us.
Have a good weekend.
Vermont!
Gordon just called f rom his car. He's downstairs.
I'm on my way. I am on my way to Vermont.
Five hours f rom now, I shall be in Vermont.
Do you know what I'm doing right now?
- Going to Vermont? - That's right.
- Dana's leaving. Go say goodbye. - I have things to do.
- What do you have to do? - I have to take off my earpiece.
Ow!
The Gr een Mountain state. Maple Syrup.
Want me to bring you back some maple Syrup, Chris?
- I've got maple syrup. - I need maple syrup.
- Maple syrup f or Will. - Oh, no, wait. I've got maple syrup.
No maple syrup f or Will.
- Good night. - Good night, guys.
- Good night. - Good night.
Good night. Have a good weekend.
- I will. - Yeah, I bet you will.
- What was that? - I said I bet you will.
- You bet I will? - Yeah.
What does that mean?
Well, it means that if someone wer e to off er money
against the possibility of your having a good time this weekend,
I would take that action.
I'm gonna have a good time this weekend.
- I bet you will. - Stop saying that!
Dana, I want you to go to Vermont.
I want you to have a good time. I'm all f or it.
Really, I am, ex cept f or this - I don't think you should go.
Don't do this.
- Who's Gordon? - Gordon's my f riend.
He's nothing anyone needs to worry about.
Aztec Two-Step, "Turandot"?
Have you been f ollowing me?
- No. - Have you?
I have not been f ollowing you. I'm not 10 years old.
I looked at the calendar on your desk.
I can't... believe...
Saturday the 2nd,
Aztec Two-Step at the Bottom Line with Gordon.
Sunday the 10th, "Turandot" with Gordon at Lincoln Center.
And I'm assuming, although your modifier was dangling,
that you'r e going with Gordon to see "Turandot,"
you'r e not going to see Gordon in "Turandot."
- Yes, that's right. - So?
So knock it off.
- Knock what off? - This. This.
Knock it off. You've been doing it to me since college,
and we'r e not doing it anymor e.
We'r e not doing what anymor e?
Every time your lif e starts to spin out of control, you come after me,
and you make me f eel like you f eel a certain way
when you r eally don't.
You did it in college,
you did it in Dallas, you did it in L.A.,
and you'r e doing it now.
I don't think you'r e cute, I don't think you'r e f unny,
I don't think you'r e smart,
and sometimes I don't think you'r e very nice.
You don't think I'm f unny?
I'm leaving now.
I apologize f or nothing.
Well, that's not true. I apologize f or some things,
but not a lot of things -
a f ew things, several things.
I apologize f or about half the things.
- Good night. - W-What do you want f rom me?
- I married Lisa. - Yes, you did.
- Well, now I'm not married to Lisa. - Lisa was a f riend of mine.
- Lisa can't stand you. - Lisa can't stand you.
Lisa can't stand Lisa.
Whatever the case,
your lif e is changing f aster than you can manage.
You'r e depr essed, you'r e angry, you'r e lonely, and you'r e f rightened,
but, God, everything will be fine if I could just see Dana naked.
Oh, Dana, believe me, I have no desir e to see you naked.
Ex cuse me?!
- That came out wrong. - Make it come out right.
- Look, of course I want to see you naked. - Louder.
- I want to see you naked. - I can't hear you.
I want badly to see you naked!
Yeah, you better want to see me naked!
Look, you know what I do
when my lif e is starting to spin out of control?
I buy a new lamp.
Every time I'm starting to lose it just a little, I buy a lamp.
Well, you must have one well-lit apartment,
'cause, lady, you turned a corner somewher e.
I'm not the one being hunted by an imaginary insect!
A fly isn't an insect.
Of course it's an insect.
- Well, what is it that isn't an insect? - A spider.
- That's right. - So, while I appr eciate the attention,
you and I know that it's not about me,
it's about you being a lunatic!
Look, Dana, you seem to be under the impr ession
- I'm harboring some kind of love f or you. - No!
You're under that impr ession,
but I know that it's in your head, just like the fly!
"A" - I am not f eeling what you think I'm f eeling.
"B" - If I wer e f eeling what you think I'm f eeling,
it wouldn't be in my head.
And "C" - You have serious f eelings f or me
that only now ar e you being f orced to conf ront
and that will likely send you into a lamp-buying f r enzy.
Okay, let's r eview this. I don't think you quite have this.
I have utterly no f eelings f or you whatsoever!
You ar e monumentally inter ested in me,
only you'r e not, 'cause it's all in your head!
- Like the fly? - Like the fly!
Okay, so just to sum up, you'r e critically deranged!
You know what I'm taking with me to Vermont?!
A team of world-class psychiatrists?!
Black lingerie - lots of it!
I'm gonna have a good time!
I bet you will!
Knock it off!
You know what I'm talking about,
and it is not f air to me.
It's not good f or you...
it's not good f or me, and it's not good f or the show,
so knock it off.
- Dana?! - Hey, sweetie.
Oh. Hey, I was waiting downstairs.
I thought something might be wrong.
No, sorry. I was just tying up some loose ends.
Well, that was worth waiting f or.
Hey, Gordon. Casey McCall.
Hey, gr eat to meet you. I'm a big f an.
You guys ar e gonna get about 8 to 10 inches
of new powder up at Sugarbush. I checked the wir e f or you.
Hey, cool. Thanks.
Yeah. No problem. Have a gr eat weekend.
All right.
So... ar e you r eady to go?
Yeah.
l, uh, left my bags by the elevators.
Son of a gun.